Ever hear a friend ask, where have all the nice guys gone? Or, why can’t I just find a nice girl? And, how about the nice guy? He always seems to be complaining that he can’t find a girl who appreciates him. And so on.
There is an excellent book on this topic of nice guys, and why not to be one or date one, by Dr. Robert A. Glover called “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” a must read for nice guys and the girls who say they are looking for one.
Glover’s book was a gift to me by a friend and got me started about a year and a half ago on a path of self and eventually spiritual discovery. In part anyway, the book applies to most men and even most women.
Glover’s gist is, a nice guy is a give to get kind of lover who engages in a kind of love exchange. They are disingenuous, smarmy and well, nice in the hopes of getting back what they want from the relationship, basically through passive aggression, neediness and collection on the debt obligations of all their nice (read: disingenuous) acts.
Thing is, passive aggression, neediness and being in debt are not that attractive. Sure, having someone take out the trash and run your errands is nice… but it isn’t attractive. Nor does it necessarily portend integrity. In fact, when these things are done for us in order to get something from us, it makes us uncomfortable and increasingly resentful due to the subconscious awareness of our growing debt.
There are many many nice guys who end up alone and lonely lamenting how the girls all want the bad boys who don’t treat them well. The girls they know want to be friends with them and have their cars fixed by them and talk to them about the bad boys they are dating and mad about. Their female acquaintances wish to be friends, not girlfriends; because, girls are put off romantically by their inherent lack of integrity.
Future blog topics more closely related to Dr. Greg Baer’s excellent “Real Love” books, which address this give to get kind of “love” exchange more directly. Suffice it to say, it feels good to take what a nice guy will give for a while. But, we need ever greater and greater amounts of this kind of exchange love. Over time, its feel good effects become increasingly fleeting. And, pay back is often uncomfortable. Greg calls this kind of transactional love exchange, “imitation love,” and posits that most relationships are actually based on this imitation love.
So, what do we actually want in the perfect mate then, if not the nice guy, nice girl?
Few things: we do not attract what we want, we attract what we are. To get the perfect mate, we need to become the perfect mate. Nice guys may be what we want and will get if we are manipulative user ourselves. If we are a loving person of integrity, we will desire and recieve a mate with integrity. A person of integrity says no to things. They make mistakes. They pass gas after eating beans. Sure they may take out the trash; but, if they do, they do it for its own sake, or for true loves sake, not to get something back from you later.
This is why the bad boy or bad girl is so attractive to us. There’s a sort of integrity in the fact that these people follow their passions in a more open honest integral way. This does not mean that self destructive behavior is preferred. It does mean that genuineness is very very attractive. Genuineness usually involves people who make choices independently, which are not always choices we would have made. And, that is kind of fun, attractive even.
In a nut shell, to find the perfect mate, we need to become the perfect mate. The perfect mate will be a perfect mirror of ourselves, and if we are integral, so will they be. This means they will be true to themselves and will do things for you when they feel them in their heart.
Peace and integrity be with you,
Yucel
In my case, though not a “Nice Guy” in strict sense of Glover’s definition, more than half the book’s lessons were applicable.
Again very well put Yucel…we do indeed attract what we are …often subconsciously when we are not aware of what’s “running” us…thats where a good coach comes in …we will become aware when our choices become too painful and we are ready to do it another way….dissolving our old belief systems is imperative….we can say hundreds of positive affirmations but they won’t be effective until we dissolve our inherent beliefs of unworthiness!
Love,
G
Thanks G,
Yes, it does sometime feel like its “running us” doesn’t it. Not the best feeling, that.
Can you please expand what it might look like or how we might best work with a coach on this?
Love,
Yucel
Yucel:
Totally right on! Appreciate your way with words and the messages…have you ever checked out Alison Armstrong’s work? http://Www.understandmen.com…relates to some of what was discussed last night, in a very accessible way….
Best,
M. Lisa
Hello M. Lisa,
Thank you for your visit and for adding to the dialog. I have not been exposed to Alison, I tried the link and it is broken.
Can you give a thumbnail sketch of her salient points, and another link where on her site I might explore first?
Peace on your journey,
Yucel