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Category Archives: Relationships
The Power of Choosing
Recently, I choose to arrive with a total availability and faith in a close relationship, where in the past I had arrived with a hesitancy and fear laden wanting in this and other relationships.
It felt so much more present, empowered and complete to be in relationship where I was fully choosing to be engaged in the moment, committed integrally with faith and without reserve.
I realized that fear of eventual failure in the relationship, which had been a prior pattern in this relationship and in past major relationships going back to infancy, created a kind of space where holding back had room to occur within me. That this fear based holding back created a kind of 0h-well, here is my insurance policy life jacket hedge for when the expected happens safety blanket kind of fall back ready reserve.
Reserve, being what it is, held me back from fully engaging, from fully committing, from being fully present in the relationship.
I had been wanting in the past, instead of choosing my true desires.
Wanting being a form of desire for lack, is fear based.
Choosing is commitment. ( for more on wanting and choosing see: http://choose.ws/2009/10/29/positive-pivots/choosing/what-place-do-you-choose-for-want-in-your-life/yucel/ )
Choosing has an element of faith.
I could feel the difference this made in how I felt and arrived immediately and on goingly.
Being fully present and committed felt so much more alive and present than the fear based reserve and walking on egg shells ways of the past.
Where in the past, I had been awaiting the dropping of the other shoe, I “knew” on some level would drop, the second shoe always had fallen… , while in a kind of stupefied fear I walked on egg shells waiting, now I was confident, alive, present, faithful, fully committed.
It felt powerful and fabulous.
Well, it turns out that this relationship ran on rocks. Pretty soon, and pretty hard.
Interestingly, it still feels different.
Having chosen and bravely committed fully, holding nothing back with faith, where before there had been fear and reserve and want, on termination this time there could be no hope or optimism. ( for more on hope and optimism see: http://choose.ws/2009/11/09/what-is-reality/positive-realistic/is-hope-promiss/yucel/ )
In the space created by elimination of hope and optimism was room for realism.
Having fully committed to and allowed the relationship, having arrived fully present and available, and with the relationship’s demise, having done all I could, realistically this time there could be no more I could do.
In the past, where I had been wanting, I had arrived with reserve.
Arriving with reserve, a reserve I arrived with unconsciously or subconsciously, I always had something held back. I could always arrive yet again with something more I could do, something more I could give. There had always been an available built in extra tank of a bit more kindeling through which I could reignite my hopes and wants, my fears and lacks.
To quote the bard, “Cowards die many times before their deaths: The valiant never taste of death but once.”
In the past, I had been wanting and needy and had walked on egg shells and died many deaths, over and over and over again in hesitancy and hope. This time, I was valiant, committed and having chosen, it was but one ending, eased by knowledge of having done all I could. I could also allow and accept and even embrace the unfolding of my choice.
Yours in choice,
Yucel
He Hit Me First! But, He Asked For It!
Ever get in a fight and a referee, teacher or parent came in the room, you exclaimed indignantly, “But, he hit me first!”
Or perhaps, you might have been the parent coming into the room, only to have to split up this spitting pair. Each of them righteous.
Exasperated, you asked, “who threw the first punch?”
I do not envy the judges of this world. Yes society needs them. Yes I have needed them (in my divorce). And sometimes, we as parents are the judge. What to do?
What happened? As we judge others, we judge ourselves. ( http://choose.ws/2009/07/13/what-is-reality/mirroring/judgement-on-the-judgemental/yucel/ ) So, what is a parent to do?
Well, first of all, who did throw the first punch?
Was it the person who actually let their fist fly first?
Was it the first person to actually land a punch?
How about the first person to say something snide? Was this the fight starter?
All of these are fairly easy to figure out. Not necessarily easy. Just fairly easy. How about the person who came into the room and didn’t punch or say anything. But on entering the room gave a dastardly look and perhaps made a really aggravatingsound or gesture?
In the study of communications, we learn that about 90% of communication is non verbal.
Thus we do not have to say anything in words to get 90% of the communication accross. Ever look at a picture of Marilyn Monroe,? Or Valentino? They speak volumes in the instant of the shot and have both been long gone and yet still “speak” to us through these photos. Uh huh.
Then there is the law of attraction which states that we send out vibrations. And, these vibrations, what ever they be, attract to us the exact matching resonant vibration.
So, who threw the first punch?
Is it possible to punch someone who has not asked (in some way) to be punched?
If we always have choice, do we have choice when we punch someone?
Did we already decide to punch someone, and vibrationally attract someone wanting to be punched?
Either the law (law of attraction) works all the time, or none of the time.
Either you believe the law or you don’t. The data for the law, once you know to look for it, seems to be overwhelming. I’m mostly convinced of the law’s inviolability. Is that even a word? (It is now.. Inviolatability isn’t.. I looked it up.)
One of these manifestations of the law seems to be that we each appear to have the exact life we choose.
Show me a persons life, I’ll show you their thoughts. Show me a persons thoughts, I’ll show you their life. Change a thought, the life changes, and vice versa.
Believe me? Then, if someone got punched, what were they thinking?
And so, who threw the first punch?
Or is that even the right question?
Gets very gray, n’est pas?
Peacefully yours,
Yucel
Desire for Perfect Mate
Ever hear a friend ask, where have all the nice guys gone? Or, why can’t I just find a nice girl? And, how about the nice guy? He always seems to be complaining that he can’t find a girl who appreciates him. And so on.
There is an excellent book on this topic of nice guys, and why not to be one or date one, by Dr. Robert A. Glover called “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” a must read for nice guys and the girls who say they are looking for one.
Glover’s book was a gift to me by a friend and got me started about a year and a half ago on a path of self and eventually spiritual discovery. In part anyway, the book applies to most men and even most women.
Glover’s gist is, a nice guy is a give to get kind of lover who engages in a kind of love exchange. They are disingenuous, smarmy and well, nice in the hopes of getting back what they want from the relationship, basically through passive aggression, neediness and collection on the debt obligations of all their nice (read: disingenuous) acts.
Thing is, passive aggression, neediness and being in debt are not that attractive. Sure, having someone take out the trash and run your errands is nice… but it isn’t attractive. Nor does it necessarily portend integrity. In fact, when these things are done for us in order to get something from us, it makes us uncomfortable and increasingly resentful due to the subconscious awareness of our growing debt.
There are many many nice guys who end up alone and lonely lamenting how the girls all want the bad boys who don’t treat them well. The girls they know want to be friends with them and have their cars fixed by them and talk to them about the bad boys they are dating and mad about. Their female acquaintances wish to be friends, not girlfriends; because, girls are put off romantically by their inherent lack of integrity.
Future blog topics more closely related to Dr. Greg Baer’s excellent “Real Love” books, which address this give to get kind of “love” exchange more directly. Suffice it to say, it feels good to take what a nice guy will give for a while. But, we need ever greater and greater amounts of this kind of exchange love. Over time, its feel good effects become increasingly fleeting. And, pay back is often uncomfortable. Greg calls this kind of transactional love exchange, “imitation love,” and posits that most relationships are actually based on this imitation love.
So, what do we actually want in the perfect mate then, if not the nice guy, nice girl?
Few things: we do not attract what we want, we attract what we are. To get the perfect mate, we need to become the perfect mate. Nice guys may be what we want and will get if we are manipulative user ourselves. If we are a loving person of integrity, we will desire and recieve a mate with integrity. A person of integrity says no to things. They make mistakes. They pass gas after eating beans. Sure they may take out the trash; but, if they do, they do it for its own sake, or for true loves sake, not to get something back from you later.
This is why the bad boy or bad girl is so attractive to us. There’s a sort of integrity in the fact that these people follow their passions in a more open honest integral way. This does not mean that self destructive behavior is preferred. It does mean that genuineness is very very attractive. Genuineness usually involves people who make choices independently, which are not always choices we would have made. And, that is kind of fun, attractive even.
In a nut shell, to find the perfect mate, we need to become the perfect mate. The perfect mate will be a perfect mirror of ourselves, and if we are integral, so will they be. This means they will be true to themselves and will do things for you when they feel them in their heart.
Peace and integrity be with you,
Yucel
In my case, though not a “Nice Guy” in strict sense of Glover’s definition, more than half the book’s lessons were applicable.
Feeling Special
How often do you hear someone say, ” you don’t make me feel special!” Or, perhaps you feel someone doesn’t make you feel special? Remember, it is a positive attracting universe. If you don’t feel special, you are right. You are always right.
Be right by realizing that you are special. Think instead, “I am special.” Believe it. Know the ways you are special. When, you talk with someone else, realize no one can make you feel anything. What you feel is your personal choice.
Special is something you are intrinsicly. It cannot be taken away from you. Unless you give it up. And, even then, you are right only because you are always right. You are special in your non specialness, by choice. Choose to be special. It is your birthright.
Say and think instead, “I am special. I feel special around you. I will be making choices that reasonate with how special I am. I am responsible for recognizing my specialness and the respect that I recieve as a consequence of the respect I honor myself.”
This is not a mantra. Say it knowing it. Know how you are special as you say it. It must be done thoughfully, with self respect. When you tell someone how special you feel, or when you tell the universe, say it in a way you believe. For instance, I am special in that there is only one me, in the only one now. And, in this instance, I am unique. Not only am I unique in creation, I am unique in this exact very instance. In this moment, I am special now. I am always special in every now. It’s easy to believe. It’s true for each and every one of us in each and every instance. The you you are in this instance, is unique from the you in any instant hence. Appreciate your specialness in each instance. In the instance, the present, is the only place you can appreciate anything. Everything happens in the now. Including your specialness. You are special now. You will always be special now.
Remember, we attract what we are. Believe you are special. Know it, and you will attract, through the Law, commensurate with your specialness. Believe otherwise, and you will be right as well, and will attract accordingly.
You are as attractive and as special as you believe, infinitely and unboundedly so. Choose well, believe well, live well.
Love and peace on your journey,
Yucel