In many of the self-help books you read you are told, “Take responsibility for your life!” You may be wondering, “What exactly does this mean?”
1. Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, or feeling. Never? But this time, you say, it really is his fault (or her fault, or the boss’s fault, or my son’s fault, or the fault of the economy, or my mother’s fault, or my father’s fault, or my friend’s fault.) If I missed anyone or anything, just add it to the list. Until you fully understand that you, and no one else, determine your REACTION to whatever happens…or has happened to you in the past…you will never be in control of your life. Remember that when you blame any outside force for how you are feeling about any of your experiences in life, you are literally giving away all your power and thus creating pain, paralysis and depression.
2. Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself. I know this sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that takes away your power…or your pleasure…makes you a victim. Don’t make yourself a victim of yourself! It is important to understand that you have always done the best you possibly could do, given the person you were at any particular point in time. Now that you are learning a new way of thinking, you can begin to perceive things differently and possibly change many of your actions and reactions. It is all simply part of the learning process – the process of moving from pain to power – and it takes time. You must be patient with yourself.
3. Taking responsibility means being aware of those circumstances in which you are not taking responsibility, so that you can eventually change. Your clue will be any signs of anger, upset, blaming, pain, self-pity, envy, helplessness, joylessness or disappointment. This is not a complete list, but you get the idea. Whenever you feel these symptoms, determine what you are not doing that is causing you to feel that way. You will be surprised at how easy it is to locate the area in which you are abdicating responsibility.
4. Taking responsibility means silencing the Chatterbox. This is the little voice inside your head that tries to drive you crazy–and often succeeds! It’s the voice that heralds doom, lack and loss. The good news is that there are very effective ways to get rid of this kind of negativity–for example, by “outtalking” the Chatterbox with constant repetitions of positive thoughts, such as…
“Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.”
“I let go and I trust.”
“I focus on my many blessings;
When you notice that your Chatterbox is casting you as a victim, commit to replacing it with a loving voice. You don’t have to associate with enemies–not even the ones within yourself! I believe this is so important that I have created a free affirmation booklet, Why Affirmations are So Powerful! (See the sidebar to download.) And, by the way, once we silence the negativity of our Chatterbox, we really begin to enjoy being alone!
5. Taking responsibility means figuring out what you want in life and acting on it. Set your goals, then work toward them. We might find other goals along the way that we prefer to move toward, but as long as we realize it is all our choice, we are taking responsibility. What is most important is our decision to enjoy the process despite how it all turns out.
6. Taking responsibility means being aware of the multitude of choices you have in any given situation. It is so important to realize, as you go through each day, that at every moment you are choosing the way you feel. When a difficult situation comes into your life, it is possible to say to yourself, “Okay, choose. Are you going to make yourself miserable or are you going to learn and grow from it all?” The choice is definitely yours.
Yes, you have the power to place yourself on the “up” side of any situation. Keep in mind that this way of thinking is not meant to excuse inappropriate behavior on the part of others. It simply allows you to make better choices and have a more satisfying life.
These are just a few tips to help you look into your life and see where you are not taking responsibility. Learning to take responsibility for your experience of life requires practice. The point is simply for you to begin. You will feel better immediately.
You can start by seeing if you can get through one week without criticizing anyone or complaining about anything. I can almost guarantee that you will have a very silent week! Each time you experience upset, be conscious of the other emotional alternatives that are available to you. Make it a game…and laugh a lot. Remember these two words and say them to yourself often: “I choose.”
Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
Love
Bill Martuge