Recently, I choose to arrive with a total availability and faith in a close relationship, where in the past I had arrived with a hesitancy and fear laden wanting in this and other relationships.
It felt so much more present, empowered and complete to be in relationship where I was fully choosing to be engaged in the moment, committed integrally with faith and without reserve.
I realized that fear of eventual failure in the relationship, which had been a prior pattern in this relationship and in past major relationships going back to infancy, created a kind of space where holding back had room to occur within me. That this fear based holding back created a kind of 0h-well, here is my insurance policy life jacket hedge for when the expected happens safety blanket kind of fall back ready reserve.
Reserve, being what it is, held me back from fully engaging, from fully committing, from being fully present in the relationship.
I had been wanting in the past, instead of choosing my true desires.
Wanting being a form of desire for lack, is fear based.
Choosing is commitment. ( for more on wanting and choosing see: http://choose.ws/2009/10/29/positive-pivots/choosing/what-place-do-you-choose-for-want-in-your-life/yucel/ )
Choosing has an element of faith.
I could feel the difference this made in how I felt and arrived immediately and on goingly.
Being fully present and committed felt so much more alive and present than the fear based reserve and walking on egg shells ways of the past.
Where in the past, I had been awaiting the dropping of the other shoe, I “knew” on some level would drop, the second shoe always had fallen… , while in a kind of stupefied fear I walked on egg shells waiting, now I was confident, alive, present, faithful, fully committed.
It felt powerful and fabulous.
Well, it turns out that this relationship ran on rocks. Pretty soon, and pretty hard.
Interestingly, it still feels different.
Having chosen and bravely committed fully, holding nothing back with faith, where before there had been fear and reserve and want, on termination this time there could be no hope or optimism. ( for more on hope and optimism see: http://choose.ws/2009/11/09/what-is-reality/positive-realistic/is-hope-promiss/yucel/ )
In the space created by elimination of hope and optimism was room for realism.
Having fully committed to and allowed the relationship, having arrived fully present and available, and with the relationship’s demise, having done all I could, realistically this time there could be no more I could do.
In the past, where I had been wanting, I had arrived with reserve.
Arriving with reserve, a reserve I arrived with unconsciously or subconsciously, I always had something held back. I could always arrive yet again with something more I could do, something more I could give. There had always been an available built in extra tank of a bit more kindeling through which I could reignite my hopes and wants, my fears and lacks.
To quote the bard, “Cowards die many times before their deaths: The valiant never taste of death but once.”
In the past, I had been wanting and needy and had walked on egg shells and died many deaths, over and over and over again in hesitancy and hope. This time, I was valiant, committed and having chosen, it was but one ending, eased by knowledge of having done all I could. I could also allow and accept and even embrace the unfolding of my choice.
Yours in choice,
Yucel
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